The Lies Shame Tells You
Have you ever struggled with something in silence where the more time passed and the more it was in silence you feared everyone close to you would see you differently if they found out? That was me - full of shame, not realizing the power it held.
Almost a year ago, a lot of emotions started hitting me at once and I came to the realization that I was struggling with some anxiety. I’m sure I have experienced anxiety before, as most of us have, but this time was different. This time my body was responding to the anxious, negative thoughts. This time I was experiencing my heart racing, getting these pits in my stomach, feeling nauseous, and even having panic attacks. I was so confused on why this was happening and truthfully, I was scared.
I was slowly learning that I had a lot of unprocessed emotions, and even some trauma, that all came to the surface at once. Then entered shame. At this point no one knew what I was struggling with. I kept thinking to myself, “Diana how cliché. Anxiety? Really?” I mean, I have a great life! I have a wonderful husband, incredible kids, family on both sides that love us, a great church family and great friends. What on earth could I have to be anxious about? I kept telling myself, “Diana there are people out there that actually have reasons to be anxious.” As I continued to listen to these lies that shame was telling me, I kept telling myself I could figure this out on my own. No one needed to know, not even my husband. I even started to believe the lies that something was wrong with me. That I was physically not okay and that I was the only one in the world struggling with this.
That my friends, that is where the enemy wants us. Feeling the shame so deeply that you don’t want to let anyone in, and you think you can handle it all on your own. To be honest, I was terrified to tell my husband. I had this horrible fear that if I told him I was struggling with anxiety he would look at me differently, maybe even see me as damaged or weak. My husband is my favorite person, my safe place. And I knew in my heart that if the way he looked at me changed, it would break me. Shame. The lies it whispers in your ear is one of the enemy’s greatest tools because it isolates you.
But I’m here to tell you, you don’t need to go through anything alone. There is a freedom that comes when you shed light on the struggles you are going through. When light is brought to a situation it brings you out of the dark. It shifts from isolation and shame to accountability, encouragement and freedom.
Even during my shame, I felt the Lord tugging. So, one day I pulled my husband aside. And through my tears I shared what I was going through. And do you know what he did? He hugged me, looked at me and smiled. The man literally smiled at me in the midst of my tears. He told me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. Honestly, the fact that he smiled at me the way he did was enough to settle my spirit. I knew in that moment I was going to be okay, no matter what the journey looked like. However, my husband is a very logical person, so it didn’t stop there. He encouraged me and comforted me and then looked at me very boldly and was honest. He said this was an area he couldn’t relate to, and he wasn’t sure of the best way to help me. He wanted to make sure that I got the help I needed whether it was counseling, meeting with our pastors, texting friends, or all of the above.
Now this is the part I couldn’t wait for you to read. After I told my husband, I immediately texted two pastors that I trust dearly and a close friend. The type of friend where you can tell them anything and you know it won’t scare them away. The type of friend where when they say they are praying, you know they are actually praying. It is important to note the importance of who we do share our struggles with, but that’s a whole separate blog post – lol! Anyway, what I was getting at was after I sent those texts, I immediately felt this weight lift off me. It’s hard to even put into words. But the freedom I felt from simply coming out of the dark and bringing light to what I was struggling with was so tangible. That tangible freedom where you instantly wish you had done it sooner. Because the truth is, we aren’t meant to struggle alone or in isolation. The Lord wants to bring freedom, but we have to stand up and fight. And part of fighting means asking for help and shedding light on what you are struggling with.
That day marked the first day of my journey towards healing and restoration, and I’m not going to say it’s been butterflies and rainbows since then. It’s been hard, and some days are easier than others. Re-training your mind to think the way God desires and to take captive every negative thought takes effort. It takes fighting. And some days I don’t want to fight. Some days I’m mentally exhausted and I don’t want to fight. But it’s in those moments that I have never felt closer to the Lord. It’s in those moments that I literally have no other choice but to lean into Him as hard as I can. It’s during those days that I’m reminded I can’t do this without Him. And even though I’m still walking this out, I can honestly look back over these last 10-12 months and see the growth and how the Lord has begun to shape me and bring healing.
My father-in-law (who happens to be the pastor of our church) once said, your pain and struggle can either be a jail that imprisons you or a school that shapes you. That spoke to me so strongly. I know that this season I’m in is just that, a season. When struggles come, we have the choice to let it imprison and isolate us, or to stand up and fight and watch it change and shape us. I’m so glad I chose to fight, even on the days it’s hard. So, I encourage you, whatever you may be going through, don’t just take it. Stand up and fight. Bring light to it and surround yourself with people that will walk with you through it. Watch the shame leave and the freedom come. Watch the Lord restore and shape you.
Someone whose fighting with you,
