Be Intentional in Seeking God’s Goodness

I’m sure many of us can agree that in the world we live in it’s not hard to focus on what’s going wrong, or what’s hard in our lives. I think it’s our default most of the time to point out the negative or focus on the pain in different seasons of our lives. I’m guilty of it for sure. But the Lord really wrecked me on this thought pattern a few months back.

To make a long story semi short, a couple weeks after my Nora was born (who is turning 2 this May), I embarked on a health journey that resulted in me losing 60 pounds in 3 months. My goal was to get off blood pressure medicine, which I have been on since I delivered my first daughter, Zoe. I have learned that a lot of my anxiety stems back to that, but I won’t get too far into that during this post. I say that to give you a little background before sharing what happened a few months back. Shortly after losing the weight, I felt stagnate in my health journey. I had taken the weight off, mastered my nutrition, but was still unable to come off my blood pressure meds. So, I decided maybe my next step was to start the journey of physical activity – primarily lifting weights. Most of my family goes to a friend that is a trainer and has a gym in his garage and they have been encouraging me to join for some time now. I found myself excited but also so anxious about starting. I would get this pit in my stomach, and I wasn’t sure why. I have lifted weights before – I have even worked with a personal trainer before. The more I took the time to figure out why I was experiencing so much anxiety over this I discovered that I had this fear of getting lightheaded. Everyone talks about how challenging this personal trainer is and how when you work hard you can sometimes get lightheaded or feel like you are going to pass out. I may be being a bit dramatic and irrational, but that’s most fear/anxiety, right?  

You are probably thinking why would something like lightheadedness cause so much anxiety in me? Well, I really had to search my heart and unravel some of the emotions I was finally processing. You see, when I was 38 weeks pregnant with Nora my family and I got Covid. By the grace of God, we were okay! However, I’m not 100% sure what happened, but we are thinking that Covid effected my body at that time in some form where it lowered my blood pressure, not to mention I was also on blood pressure medicine. So, when I took a shower one morning, my blood pressure dropped so low and I got lightheaded, resulting in me passing out in the shower. This didn’t just happen once, but twice. I remember coming to and my husband running into the bathroom yelling my name and Zoe and Penelope crying outside the shower just staring at me. I didn’t realize it in the moment, quite frankly I shoved it down because I think I was in “survival mode,” but over a year later I discovered there was some trauma there that I was subconsciously carrying with me. Anytime I got lightheaded it would send me into a panic. The thought of getting lightheaded was enough to get my heart racing and for me to freeze with fear – even regarding something that was good for me, like working out.

I pushed past the fear and gave the working out a go, and I’m so glad I did! My trainer took it nice and slow with me and it has turned into something I truly enjoy! Although I pushed through the fear, I still wasn’t acknowledging or working through the root trauma/emotions I had. About a month after I started working out, I had a very busy morning and had forgotten to eat – I’m sure there are other mamas that can relate. We were at a party, and I started to get lightheaded, which I knew was from not eating, but my mind spiraled. I immediately thought it was because my blood pressure dropped, and I started to panic. I ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom and told my husband we had to leave immediately. The shame that came over me that day was so real and so intense. I was so upset at myself. I knew the truth and yet I couldn’t catch my thoughts fast enough and before I knew it, I had spiraled.

That evening when I got home, I went to spend some time with the Lord, and I just cried for probably an hour. I felt so defeated and like I had failed. I kept thinking is this going to be my life now? Why do I feel so weak? During me crying out to the Lord, I felt Him tell me so clearly – JUST MOVE FORWARD. I might not have everything figured out, but I can’t keep looking back and dwelling on the past. I need to get up and keep moving forward. I had made a decision to bring this to the light and fight back. That didn’t mean my journey would be perfect, but it means I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The bible says in Philippians 3:13-14 to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. To press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize. I know that my prize is eternity with the Lord. But I ALSO know my prize is peace and joy, freedom and wholeness here on earth. That is my inheritance as a daughter of the King!

Then God showed me something else that I really pray you will take away. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, it is very easy for us to dwell on and carry the negative experiences and situations in our lives, just like I was doing without even realizing it. But the Lord challenged me that evening when I was crying out to Him. He challenged me to be intentional and to look for His goodness, even when it seemed like it wasn’t there. Because let me tell you guys, it’s always there, just sometimes we have to make the decision to see it. It’s easy to see His goodness when things are good. But what about when things aren’t good? Or things aren’t going to plan? Or the pain seems to be the only thing you can remember? In those moments and those situations is when it’s the most important to be intentional in seeking out God’s goodness. I promise it’s there. And choosing to acknowledge it over the negative will only build your faith and heal parts of yourself you may not have known were broken or hurting.  

When I looked back to that situation where I passed out in the shower, I began to look for God’s goodness. And do you know what He showed me? When I passed out in the shower, I came to sitting Indian style in my tub. For the record, I don’t sit Indian style. It is not comfortable for me – lol! However, in this situation I landed Indian style in the shower WHILE 38 weeks pregnant. Not to mention the baby and I were completely okay. I had no residual pain or discomfort. I had a small bruise on my toe that went away the next day. All I can say is, GOD IS GOOD. After I had this moment of revelation with the Lord I couldn’t stop crying. I had been carrying around this fear of getting lightheaded because I associated it with a painful memory. And sure, it was scary! But instead of allowing it to be a trigger of panic and anxiety, it became a reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness even when in the moment it was scary.

So, I encourage you, whatever you may be going through. I know sometimes it’s hard to see the good when all you feel is disappointment, pain, or discouragement whether it be in your finances, your marriage, your relationships, your health, etc. But I promise you God’s goodness is there. Be intentional to seek it out. When we shift our mindset to see His goodness it builds our faith and reminds us of who God is and His promises. How incredible would it be to move out of a storm and be reminded of God’s goodness rather than the pain and struggle that we default to remembering?

Seeking God’s goodness with you,