Surrender

During my journey with anxiety and panic attacks, I would reminisce about what I used to be like. Someone who never thought about the things I think about now. Someone who never had a panic attack or worried about every little thing. Someone who could fall asleep the second their head hit the pillow because nothing was on their mind. Some days I felt like I didn’t even recognize myself. I just couldn’t wait to get those pieces of myself back.

The first couple nights following a particular panic attack, I couldn’t shake this nervous feeling before I went to bed. My panic attacks would usually happen when I was going to sleep, which was frustrating because sleep was always my favorite thing. My reset. And I felt like for a long time the enemy was just stealing my sleep, my resets. Well, I decided before bed I was going to spend time in worship, prayer, speaking in tongues, reciting my declarations, etc. You name it, I was going to do it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but in my head, if I did these things, it would keep the panic attacks away. I fell asleep that night without any issues but when the next night rolled around, I felt that same anxiousness before bed. This kept happening for a couple more nights.

Finally, I asked the Lord to examine my heart. I thought I was past this! Why was this still happening? That night before bed I decided to listen to a sermon by Craig Groeschel called Praying Through the Pain. Craig Groeschel is my absolute favorite and his sermons on anxiety have helped me so much. I have listened to them over and over. The funny thing is every time I listen to this message, I take away something different. This time when I listened, the Lord put His finger on something. In this message, Craig Groeschel teaches about the cycle of anxiety. That you start feeling anxious, so you attempt to control, and then you fear losing that control, so you attempt to control again which just in turn leads you to feel more anxious, and the cycle goes on and on.

The Lord showed me that night in my bed, that when I was feeling anxious, I was attempting to control the situation by running through my checklist – worshipping, praying, declaring my declarations. And I’m not saying any of that is wrong. There is power in those things. However, I asked the Lord to examine my heart and show me and He did just that. I have eluded in previous blog posts of mine that I had this fear that if I didn’t check the boxes, God’s protection would leave me. So, for me, doing those things before bed was not about faith, but me trying to control the situation – my anxious feelings. I was trying to keep the panic attacks away and this is what I decided would do that. And I was afraid of losing that sense of control which in turn just led to me being more anxious – every single time bedtime rolled around. I thought I was surrounding myself and bringing Jesus into my struggles, but I was essentially taking him out instead.

I learned that night that I say I surrendered all this to Jesus, but do I really mean it? Because surrender means to give up control completely and I was doing the exact opposite. The God I serve doesn’t just love me and care for me when I check my boxes. He loves and cares for me even when I don’t. He’s there for me when I’m in His word and even when I’m not. His promises are true when I’m worshipping Him and even when I’m not. The Bible speaks often of how our motive matters. How the posture of our heart matters. And the truth I learned that night was that control is simply a by-product of fear. The tools I was using were great and powerful, but my motive was off. My heart posture was off. I thought I was surrendering to Him, but I really wasn’t. I was still trying to take matters into my own hands as if I could control or better the chances of the outcome. I’ve heard it taught this way; you can’t busy your way to God. He doesn’t love us for how we perform or what we do. He loves us for who we are. And he tells us in His word to be still and know that He is God. Praying, worshipping, declaring His truth is powerful and amazing, but sometimes I think we do to much when God is asking us to just be still. To truly surrender.

So, you know what I did the next night? I got ready for bed, said “Jesus, I love you,” and went to sleep. I didn’t pray, I didn’t worship, nothing. And I had the best sleep of my life that night. Not because I tried to take control, check my boxes, and hope that keeps a panic attack away. But because I chose to be still and KNOW who my God is. I chose to surrender that EVEN IF a panic attack comes, I am not alone. God is with me every second, He loves me and cares for me, and I fight from a place of victory. His love for me doesn’t change. It’s not dependent on what I do. The promises in His word don’t change.

Surrender. A decision I have to make every day, multiple times a day.

I think of it a lot like riding a current. Whatever journey you are on or storm you may be going through, sometimes we make it worse by trying to fight the current. But when you choose to throw your hands up and ride the current rather than fight against it, you just simply go forward through life with Jesus. Each step. Doesn’t mean it’s absent of pain and suffering, but you aren’t carrying the weight of controlling the outcome anymore. There is power and freedom in surrender.

And let me circle back to what I mentioned earlier about not feeling like myself and reminiscing on how I used to be. How did I get here? Was I ever going to get back to where life felt simpler? Life just started feeling like one lesson after the other. Pruning after pruning. Trust me, I’m grateful for God’s faithfulness to teach me and show me when I am intentional to ask, but if I’m being honest, it can be really exhausting sometimes. For a lot of this journey, I just felt tired. Worn out.  

The Lord brought me to a verse in 1 Peter 5:6-7. It says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” And then in verse 10 it says this, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

The first thing the Lord showed me in that verse is where He says, “in due time.” Not only does that mean it will happen at the right time, but it simply means it will happen. It’s a promise. Our timetable might be different from the Lord’s, but that verse tells me that no matter my timetable, IT WILL HAPPEN. And then in verse 10 when it says, “He Himself will restore you.” What does restore mean? To bring back what I feel I have lost. Those pieces of me that I feel like I have lost or aren’t the same. God promises in His word that not only will he lift me up at the right time, but that He will bring back pieces I feel I have lost. That he will make me steadfast – unwavering. The NKJV says it this way, “He will settle you.”

I’m not sure what things look like for you right now in this very moment, but I’m choosing to surrender and stand on His promise that one day He will lift me up from what I feel is crushing me. He will restore me and bring back pieces of me that feel lost. He will make me stronger than I could have imagined. He will make me steadfast and unwavering. He will settle my body and spirit. Man. When you are in the middle of a storm, it’s hard to focus on anything else. I get it. But doesn’t that promise from the Lord sound so much better? Choose it.

Choosing to surrender with you,