I Speak Jesus

So, I feel like I need to start this post with a story to make what happened a few weeks ago make more sense.

In February 2023, about a year ago, my sisters and I took my mom overnight to Ellicottville to celebrate her 60th birthday. We had an incredible day and even better evening. But when it came time to go to bed, I noticed my heart started to race. As I drifted off to sleep, I kept being woken up with my heart beating even faster. Before I knew it, I was knee deep in the worst panic attack I have ever had. My heart literally felt like it was beating outside my chest, I was nauseous, felt lightheaded, and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling. I got up and walked to the kitchen to get some water because I didn’t want to worry my mom, who I was sharing a bed with. Well, she’s my mom and already was awake because she knew something was off. I walked into the other room where my 3 sisters were sleeping and paced back and worth and talked with them hoping it would distract me enough to calm down.

As some time passed, I laid in bed with my oldest sister and tried to fall asleep. She rubbed my legs to help calm them from trembling and we listened to the song “I Speak Jesus” by Charity Gayle over and over and over until I settled and finally fell asleep.  

I woke up the next morning just full of shame. All I wanted was to get home and hug my husband. Why did this have to happen on my mom’s birthday getaway? We never get time away with my mom without husbands and our million children. Was this trip now going to be tainted by this? Did I somehow cause this? It would be me…. I tried to push past all these emotions but just felt drained - physically and emotionally.

When I finally got home later that next day, I hugged my husband and fell asleep with my kids around me in my bed. I wanted to erase that panic attack from my memory. It felt magnified in comparison to the other ones I had experienced. I didn’t even want to hear that song, I Speak Jesus, again. It just reminded me of that moment. As if I was back there experiencing it all over again. As a matter of fact, I haven’t listened to that song in almost a year. Not once.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, Tuesday January 9th to be exact. My worship leader sent out the song list for that coming Sunday, and guess what the last song listed was? Yep. I Speak Jesus by Charity Gayle. My stomach literally dropped. And my mind flashed back to that evening. I quickly shut it out of my mind and got distracted with something else. Then Thursday rolled around, our rehearsal night. As I was driving to church, I figured I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Might as well listen to the song and get it over with. I cried the entire way to church that night wondering how on earth I was going to sing this song on Sunday if I couldn’t stop sobbing in the car just listening to it. Am I going to have to tell my worship leader that I can’t sing? How am I going to tell her that? This all seemed so silly and pathetic. All the emotions and shame from that night flooded into that car as I drove to church.

I cried out to the Lord in that moment and just asked for help. I didn’t say much. I just cried and said, “Jesus I need you. Cause I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to link this song to that night.” I got to church that evening and decided not to say anything, but to just push through. I rehearsed that night, sang every word to that song, didn’t cry once, and felt the peace of God wash over me.

I know that seems kind of anti-climactic, but the Lord did something in my heart that night. He healed something in my heart I didn’t know needed healing. You see, that song is a powerful song. One I suggest you listen to if you haven’t. And when I heard it, all I thought of was that night. The shame, fear and pain from that night. But God wanted to heal that, to redeem that. And I know that might seem silly to you because it’s just a song, but the point I’m trying to make is our God cares about the details. He cares about the little things we feel have been tainted or remind us of something painful.

Sometimes we look at the event as a whole and want God to redeem that. For me, that would be the entire birthday getaway. Memories with my mom and sisters without a panic attack. But sometimes He wants to dig deeper. Sometimes He wants to restore the small details you thought didn’t matter - like a song. Maybe for you it’s a smell, a phrase, a location, a picture, maybe even a food. It could be anything that you have pushed down and avoided because it triggers something deeper. God loves you and I so much that He cares about the details and wants to heal those wounds in your heart if you will let Him.

Nothing physically changed that night when I sang that song. But in the same instance, everything changed. I can’t change what happened that night, but I don’t have to walk around carrying the weight of it anymore. Now I hear that song and I smile. It doesn’t mean I forgot what happened that night. But I’m reminded of how far God has brought me, and how much He loves me. Don’t hold back. Dig deep. Be honest with yourself and ask the Lord to show you what you are walking around with that needs to be healed. Instead of thinking big, think small. God doesn’t want to just touch the gaping wounds. He also wants to touch the scrapes and bruises that we ignore and expect to heal on their own. He’s in the details.

Speaking Jesus with you,