Restructuring

I know it’s been a while, but if you remember, my previous posts have shared my struggles with fear, anxiety, and panic attacks. It has been almost 2 years now and the Lord has carried me a long way. I feel like I am finally coming out from the storm, but that doesn’t mean the journey has been easy.

This past October my husband went to a church conference in Florida. I stayed home with the girls considering two of them were in school. I was dreading him leaving. I was very fearful to sleep alone in our home. What if I had a panic attack and he wasn’t here? He has been my safe place in many ways throughout this journey. A lot like my security blanket and I was struggling with him leaving. I just felt safe when he was there.  

I prepared the only way I knew how. I did all the things. I made sure I was prayed up. I was worshipping all day and declaring peaceful sleep for when I laid my head down. The first night, we slept at my mom’s so I could watch Monday night football with my dad. I remember waking up thinking, “I did it. I’m good.” The second night we slept at home, and I slept wonderfully! However, my oldest daughter, Zoe, woke up crying with a bad dream. And not just any dream, she had a very specific dream that a hurricane hit Florida where her daddy was. It took me a minute to get her back to sleep but I struggled with why she even had the dream in the first place. I kept thinking, “but I did all the things. I covered my household. I declared peaceful sleep!”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I have learned the hard way that being in relationship with Jesus doesn’t mean checking all these boxes AND THEN you are free from trials and challenges. The bible is actually very clear that challenges WILL come. Sometimes the Lord allows us to go through things to teach us and shape us. So instead of asking “but why? I did all the things,” I try to ask, “what are you trying to teach me, Lord?”

I texted a mentor of mine immediately the next morning and she said to me, “Diana, I felt instantly as you were talking that the enemy couldn’t get to you, so he went after Zoe.” Well let me tell you, everything shifted in that moment. #1, I was encouraged. I know it sounds crazy, but that was encouraging to hear because I knew in that moment that I was on the right track! #2, you want to come after me, fine, but YOU DON’T MESS WITH MY BABIES. This righteous anger grew inside of me as I prayed against any harassing spirits over my Zoe and covered her as she went to sleep the next night.

As I spent time with the Lord while Chad was gone, I found myself thinking, “I knew Chad should have stayed home.” And then the Lord so gently spoke to me, as He always does. Yes, my husband is a wonderful support and someone I get to go to war with, and the fact that he makes me feel safe is wonderful. But the way I held him in this position of my safe place, my security blanket. The Lord whispered, “I want to be that for you.” And then it hit me. I’m so grateful Chad has been those things for me, and I think God wants that for us in marriage, BUT God always wants to be that FIRST, even before our spouses.

I needed Chad to go on that trip. I needed the Lord to reveal that to me. Whether Chad is with me or not, I have everything I need in Jesus to fight and come out victorious. There are people that we are blessed with in life to help support us and fight alongside us, but sometimes we forget that the battle we are fighting is between us and the Lord. Chad can’t carry it for me. Everything shifted from that moment forward. If a panic attack came on me again, which it did weeks later, I didn’t reach for Chad right away. Instead, I reached out to my heavenly father. And the fight from that posture just felt different. The victory felt that much more real. It’s hard to put into words.

I couldn’t wait for Chad to come home that next night, but when he did, I was different. I was stronger. I didn’t place all this unseen pressure on him to carry me through this battle I was fighting. Instead, I was confident that I had all I needed in Jesus to fight this battle and to not just fight well, but to be victorious. I was holding hands with Jesus.

The funny thing was, it allowed me to enjoy my husband even more by simply putting God back where He should have been the whole time. Sometimes, we need to be gently reminded that a restructuring is in order.

Restructuring with you,