Wrestling with God
Well, hello there! Sorry, I know it’s been 6 weeks since my last post. I’m more embarrassed than anything because I literally posted a video specifically saying I was back and was going to be writing two times a month, no question! Well that failed, haha! But, if I’m being honest, I’m in a season right now of wrestling some things out with God and looking for direction and I’ve been avoiding spending time with Him. Not cause I’m too busy or stressed out. But truthfully because I’m just not sure I am at a place to accept the direction the Lord might give me. I just want to be as honest as possible in the hopes that it encourages anyone reading.
Let me explain a little further and be vulnerable here. Most people who know me know that I would have 15 babies if Chad, my husband, would let me haha! I love being a mom and love being pregnant, giving birth, etc. I love all things babies! I have a real passion for all things pregnancy, post-partum, etc. You name it! I make jokes a lot about wanting another baby, but all jokes aside, it’s a real strong desire in my heart. As I have shared previously, I have 3 beautiful daughters – 6, 4.5 and almost 3 years old. With my youngest turning 3, the desire seems to just be getting stronger. But my husband is content. He’s such an incredible father and has very graciously explained to me how he feels like our family is complete.
I know you are probably thinking, gosh that has got to be some hard conversations. But they are surprising fruitful conversations. We aren’t upset at each other. Neither one of us is wrong. We are both able to be vulnerable and discuss our feelings. No permanent decisions are being made; we are just choosing to be grateful for what we have while giving the rest to the Lord since we aren’t exactly on the same page. If that makes sense.
We sought council a few months ago because we aren’t use to not being on the same page with something big like this. During the meeting with dear pastor friends, they said to me, sometimes the Lord puts that strong desire in our heart, like me with babies, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are going to have more babies of our own, but maybe part of my calling is going to be surrounded with babies. The funny thing was, Chad has said something similar to me before, but it was hard for me to accept because I thought that was just his way of trying to get me on his side – haha! Shame on me. Sometimes I don’t give him enough credit.
For the past few months, I have really struggled with bringing this to the Lord. I didn’t want to pray about it. I have literally been avoiding spending time with Him - as if He doesn’t already know my thoughts. What if the Lord confirmed in my heart that my family was complete, and He was bringing me on a different journey? I didn’t want to accept that. Truthfully, I still don’t.
To bring a little more clarity – for months now I have had the desire to become a certified lactation consultant. It’s something I am very passionate about because it was something that didn’t come easy to me that I had to work really hard at and I don’t think woman have enough support after they have their babies. While I was helping a dear friend in NYC over a year ago while she was learning to breastfeed her baby, I felt this fire in me – like wow God is there something here I should be doing?
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago – I went with another dear friend to her ultrasound appointment, and I just kept thinking man I would love to go back to school for something like this. I ended up talking to the ultrasound tech about the sonography program she took and again, I felt that desire – I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I got home.
But again, I was avoiding the conversations with the Lord. I didn’t want to talk about it. What IF the desires to have another baby were really God pushing me in another direction? And here’s the thing, God could have both these avenues in His plans for me – another baby and working with babies. The point is, I was avoiding spending time with the Lord because I couldn’t handle the possibility of the Lord confirming maybe my family was complete. Because that wasn’t what I wanted.
And there lies the key, friends. I wasn’t okay with accepting anything other than what I wanted. I need to be in a place where I want what God wants for me. That I trust and know that His plans are better than mine. That His ways are better than mine. Because the truth is, I don’t want anything that isn’t what the Lord wants for me – or else the grace won’t be there for it. But sometimes that means surrendering our desires and trusting that He has our best intentions at heart. And that’s not always easy. And sometimes we need to wrestle it out with the Lord.
At this point, I don’t even think the logistics matter - whether we are supposed to have another baby or not. I think what the Lord is looking for from me is to surrender my desires – to trust Him that He knows best, even if that means settling my heart and knowing my family is complete. You see, there is nothing wrong with my desire to want more babies. But sometimes even good desires get in the way of God’s plans for us. Not only is HIS timing perfect, but even though they are good desires, they might not be what He desires for ME.
The bible says in Psalms 37:4-5, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.” We stop there a lot of times and assume that means whatever we desire God will give us. But if you keep reading it says, “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.” Taking delight in the Lord means taking pleasure in Him. And when we do that His desires become our desires. But when we chose to only want our desires and to not commit them to Him, we don’t give Him the opportunity to change our desires to His.
I’m still working on wrestling this out with God. He knows my heart. I’m learning to intentionally trust and surrender my desires to Him knowing that what He has planned for me is far greater than I could plan for myself. So for now, I will move forward as He opens the doors, even if that means going back to school (which actually excites me). And who knows, maybe another baby is part of His plan someday – which would make this even sweeter. But even if that’s not part of His plan, it’s okay, because His plan is better.
The funny thing is, I am brought to tears writing that, “even IF it’s NOT part of His plan.” Because deep down I don’t believe that yet. And you might have something similar you are trying to surrender to the Lord but have a hard time believing His way could be better than yours. Or you are having a hard time surrendering something important to Him because you don’t want Him to steer you in a way that’s different than yours – whether it’s a relationship you are in, a job you are trying to get, deciding whether or not to step out in your giftings, giving financially, where to live, starting a family, going back to school, starting a business, you name it. But guess what – it’s okay if you don’t believe it right away. Keep saying it until you do. Lord, I believe that your plan for me is better than I could ever imagine, whether that means I have another baby or not. Keep saying it until you believe it. Wrestle it out with God. He is faithful to speak and settle your heart.
Wrestling it out with you,
